napalm_lullaby

http://music.myspace.com/Modules/MusicV2/Pages/PopUpPlayer.aspx?songid=null&artid=null&profid=439533906&plid=172597



I don't know if this works here, but freakin' "Conventional lover" is my favorite love song ever. It's so... nerdy. Star treck, DnD, Magic(At least magic: the gathering, which i don't know much about), comic book collecting, Cthulu collector's bust? 
I love it.

( lyrics. )

We went to kroger tonight, and I sat outside since I had a bag from movie warehouse or whatever the place is called.

And I looked up and there was a little black and white kitten trying to cross the road, scared to death of all the cars and careless feet. I tried to get close to him but he ran and hid under the skids where no one could get to him. Eric called and I told him, and we can't have another cat. We don't have the time, patience, or space for it. But he did pick up one of those smaller things of cat food. The wet food in the plastic containers? Yeah. I couldn't coax him out so I opened it and put it under the skids where I'd seen him run, as far as my arm could reach. The poor thing looked hungry, and maybe if he figures out that just because we're big and clumsy doesn't mean we're mean, it could do some good.

At least I know the little guy's gonna eat today. I hope he finds his mom/litter or someone picks him up and gives him a good home. He's so sweet. And about the size Odin was when they brought him home. I could fit the little booger in my hand.

i think instead of stretching my ears all crazy and getting them scalpeled to a 0, I might just make the bottom one like a 2 and get a few 10g piercings up the earlobe. Because that's really, really pretty. and i love it when earrings are like chimes. it's a relaxing thing.  ( maybe something like this.  )



Also, i want more piercings and I want them soon. For my vertical labret i think i'll be going to castle of color instead of bleed blue. i'm kind of nervous because every woman that's pierced me has kind of fucked up, but i know that my going to bleed blue may cause a little of a stir. (Which sucks dick. i love it there.)

Want a nape piercing, since my hair's short anyway, and that makes me a little nervous because people say they reject a lot. I have never seen one reject, and a scar on the back of the neck wouldn't bother me. (They also said helix piercings were simple and never had much of a problem. Mine bled for four months before I ripped it out. That ripping it out, it busted the bubblething and i got blood all over the side of my neck. Bubblething went away, but the cartilage in my right ear is dicked.)

I just found out one of my exes got married. Weird.

Also, Eric is amazing. He got kings island tickets for my birthday and we went on the first weekday the park was open. Stayed from open to close. There's a new coaster called Diamondback. Easily the best one I've been on. Ever. ( pictures of the thing )


( And here's a link to a page devoted to the thing.  )


Kelsey and I are a little sunburned, trey has an interesting watch tanline and a crazy farmer tan, and eric? Pfft. he's a little browner than he was when he went in. The terrible, overpriced food only added to it. Freakin' fireworks and screaming at little kids on viking ships and getting hit on by a guy trying to sell stuffed monkeys. Dancing on a platform to Lady Gaga songs and riding everything I could stand in line for and doing it wth some of the greatest people ever?
Yes.
Oh! And Eric, he's awesome. Once it got dark and the lights came on, he rode the carousel with me and made my eyes all big and swoon-y.

Yeah. Awesome birthday present.

(copied/pasted from my myspace blog.)



I look forward to getting older, making my story a little richer, more interesting, more relevant.
But as rich as my story is now, when they say I'm only starting, what happens then? Will something in me expand and hold onto everything? Forget the things I swore I wouldn't?
Or will I become so full of experience and words and the memories of their voices and smiles that one day I just burst?

The latter would be nice, I guess. It's the easiest way to think about death. (OMG, she mentioned the "D" word, she's gonna go kill herself, u guize!) That letting go of things when you're ready and you've had all you're going to have, seen all you're going to see, heard and said everything you needed to. Maybe when a person becomes so full of the things they've collected over their time here, something in them gives out. And accidents happen, but I do kind of believe in a sort of divine intervention. You aren't going to die until you're ready to. And you'll Know, just like any other animal, before it happens.

And maybe eternal life is just us decomposing and becoming fertilizer for trees, which provide air and food for the world. Or sitting in a thing of ashes where people remember us as they walk by, whisper things they wished they could have said Before. When John(?) saw Heaven, I don't think he saw gates made of pearls or roads made of precious metals. I think he saw something infinitely more amazing than the human mind could easily comprehend and interpreted it the best he could.
Because come on, I'm sure God would want us to have a beautiful afterlife, not something surrounded by things that tempt materialistic people on the very Earth we've transcended. If we're supposed to be past all that, and material things cease to hold any worth, but Heaven is supposed to be the most beautiful thing we'll ever know, who's to say it won't be a place free of cruelty where you can sit outside and watch the leaves change color without feeling chilled? Who's to say heaven/eternal life isn't your flesh decomposing after we've reached a certain peace, and thus nurturing the Earth we were born from?


More later.

( and the comment my awesome boyfriend left me.  )




On a completely unrelated note, I fucking LOVE Molly Hatchet.

yeah, I was excited too. Especially since it's just up the road at Riverbend in Cincy.

Then I looked at ticket prices. They're running anywhere from 65 dollars to almost 400 dollars. That's fucking disgusting. And I love tool, but not enough to shell out that kind of money. I can pay 65 dollars and get into a 3 day festival. Why the fuck would I pay more than that for a few hours, tops?

When you start making music for money instead of for the people who love it, you've lost what it means to do what you do. I'm fine with 20, 30 bucks. Sometimes guys need gas money and food money to get back home. I understand that. And if you charge kids like 20 bucks at the door, and they love you, you can pay fo rgas, food, and maybe a bus payment and a little extra. If people love you but you jack up your ticket prices so that only the elite can get in, you're cutting off the biggest part of your fan base. That's not cool.

he asked for a poem by the end of the day.


I don't know how the fuck to do that. But I want to do nice things. Like rearrange the bedroom so there's some open space, and keep the cats cared for and keep everything clean and have food ready when he gets home and all that jazz.

Guess I should get on with the thinking. Hot shit.

     Wearing nothing but your necklace, with a good cigarette in my hand and pretty music. This is bliss. Childish and unashamed. I feel pretty good right now.



I never understood what the issue was with nudity. We're all naked under our clothes. I think the only arousing thing about porn is the voyeurism of it. Sex is healthy, nudity is something we all have in common. If we can't get laid, we watch other people. I think it's a little strange.

What causes cats to lose weight and tear out their own hair in clumps?
Overgrooming to the point that the skin is bloody.

I have them on a medicine for worms but I'm seeing nothing weird when I clean the box and Hades is still losing weight. She's the size of a 3-month old cat and weighs about two thirds of what she should. Both her and Loki are tearing their hair out. Simba seems unaffected for some reason or another. I understand that the hair ripping could be stress, but the weight loss in them?

Their fur doesn't feel greasy or anything, but their skin does feel dry and kind of.. almost crusty. Like really bad dandruff or a place you scratch until the little bumps come up on the skin. If any of you know anything, please let me know. I know 40 dollars is a good price for an animal examination, but there are three cats. That's 120 that we don't have. Plus the actual medicine and treatments and tests. We just don't have it.

Somene please tell me something. I'm so worried about them I could cry.

I wish I could be that. I wish I could keep up with your standards.
and I'm falling short. Again.

I wish you would make up your damned mind.
I wish I could believe you.

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Language is Quality Time

<th colspan="2">My Detailed Results:</th>

Quality Time:	10
Physical Touch:	9
Words of Affirmation:	7
Acts of Service:	4
Receiving Gifts:	0

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Tag 3 people so they can find out what their love language is.

Take the Quiz!
Check out the Book

i told him that when i move in with him i don't want my name on anything. that way if i walk in on anything i can pack my bags and leave.
he was pissed. Told me I didn't care, that the one girl who meant the world to him left out of nowhere, his mom died suddenly one day. that he wouldn't have me refusing to be solid and permanent and such.
He told me I was cold.

I have a hard time being all emotional. It's not practical. Just like finding yourself in love with a boy who thinks nothing of rationalizing a threesome or flaunting nudes he took of you.
I'm fucking stupid.
"You didn't seem to mind when I told you about it."    -Yeah, because I was half-asleep. Then I woke up a little bit and realized how fucking disrespectful it was.

It's going to keep up and I'm afraid it's going to drive me into a self-destructive disrespect for myself. He's gotten so... flippant about everything.

In the same conversation he had the balls to tell me that I deserved to be respected and bla bla bla.   I tuned it out. I don't need to hear that.

Tried giving me a hard time over the self-injury thing. If it's something I've been doing since I was eleven why the fuck would you think it has anything to do with you? It's not the same when you fucking cheat on me with a girl who is absolutely gorgeous and half my size with a perfect body and tell me "it's never happened before". It's very reassuring to hear that you could have had her, or anybody else, any time you wanted. Thanks a lot.
You fucking curl up with her in your bed and expect me to believe nothing's happening? 
Stop lying to me.

Love isn’t an act, it’s a whole life. It’s staying with her now because she needs you; it’s knowing you and she will still care about each other when sex and daydreams, fights and futures—when all that’s on the shelf and done with. Love—why, I’ll tell you what love is: it’s you at seventy-five and her at seventy-one, each of you listening for the other’s step in the next room, each afraid that a sudden silence, a sudden cry, could mean a lifetime’s talk is over.

My myspace music right now:


Pitbull: "Bojangles"
He is legend: "I Am Hollywood"
(The) Medic Droid: "Fersure Maybe"
Straight Line Stitch: "Remission"
Gwen Stacy: "Gone Fishing, See You In A Year"
Peaches: "Fuck the pain away"
Manafest: "4321"
Pitbull: "Krazy"
Escape From Earth: "Who Do I Have To Kill?"
Nerf Herder: "Mr. Spock"



In short, another side of Awesome is on my profile.
   Pitbull is weaseling his way into my music collections and I don't know how he does it.


I ended up with my nose in a journal last night. When I snapped out of my little stupor and read it again I had no idea what to do with it.
    Eric and I are trying this new Total Honesty thing. And this is stuff I should tell him but I can't because it would upset him. It's frustrating.

What else... Septum piercings are really easy to stretch.
    I decided to start wearing skirts. I'm kind of nervous, but my legs are shaped pretty awesome so I guess it's just a matter of getting used to it. If scars worry me that much, I can always get some opaque tights.
    Only another inch and I'll have my waist at 23 inches. Then I can go corset-hunting and choke it down to 18 inches.
   Depending on how my next few checks look, I'll have another tattoo before summer hits.
   I gave away most of the stuff in my closet.
    I'll be giving away a lot of my books and other things, so if I have anything you want, let me know and you can pick it up or I can drop it off if you live close to me. If you don't live close to me and want something, let me know and I can mail it out.

   I think I'm gonna take all the shit off my walls and put up the matted drawings. (Which means frames.) If I can get anchors in the walls, I'll have some bigger paintings up as well.
I need to go hardcore and refine my friggin' space. It's almost claustrophobic.

i'm updating the myspace blog more than this one now.
for some reason, that one makes me feel like less of an ass. Or something. eh. entry under the cut.

And while it's on my brain, my boyfriend makes me feel awesome. He's amazing and human and beautiful and aware and in just a few months he has managed to significantly improve my self-esteem. Yes, he's disliked by my friends because he upset me when he did the whole cheating thing, but nobody's perfect and it takes more balls to call me as she's walking out the door than it would to just keep it quiet. I applaud that.
Everything we've put together so far is amazing. The nightly 6-hour conversations, and we were never bored once. Every night for like a month before we actually got together. The night I introduced myself we talked about beautiful things and controversial things and elephants. That conversation lasted almost four hours.
I fucking love that boy. He makes my eyes and innerds all squishy. Encourages me to try new things, to do things that are healthy for me, to not be afraid to voice opinions or concerns or whatever.
Plus he's the coolest kid on his street. =]





( did you hear your favorite song one last time? )

last night we took some kava kava and melatonin before sleep.
had some pretty cool conversations. about what things were like when we were young, about the little things we hardly ever think about, about how to get back in touch with people after years of silence.
There are also chunks of time I don't remember well and I don't like that.

I remember he talked about a photograph of a shoulder blade, and at that point I had enough sleep aids in me to wake my skin up and feel kind of drunk and nothing felt better than pressing my lips to his back.

I remembered all the nights I was little I would go out with my dad and we'd stand out of the wind under the thingie in front of sears and listen to the church bells at night. The sound carried so well in the cold and I think that's why I have such a softness for chimes and the smell of wet asphalt.
I miss being little and not worrying about anything more than playground injuries.
I miss marshmallows of every size in my hot chocolate and how I would go outside and play in the snow with sticky fingers.
I think it's impossible to feel the cold in the snow until you get old enough to care about what people think of you.

today fucking sucked.

too lazy to copy and paste from myspace.
but it's in the blog there.

there was a forum topic: "what perfume/cologne most turns you on?"
A lot of the responses were things like armani or dior or whatever.


then i got there.
i don't like cologne or perfume on someone. If someone does use it, I shouldn't be able to smell it unless i'm right up on them.
my boyfriend burns incense all the time and has this soap that's made with roses (which is amazing for your skin). I love snuggling with him and smelling something that could maybe be rosewater and that little bit of incense smoke that clings to his hair.
That's hot.


gah, i miss him but i don't want to be around him until i know i can trust myself to not do anything stupid.
he hurt me, and i miss him and he misses me and i hate waking up without him.

i love that boy and it scares me.

here, have picture proving how cute we are. excuse the flash, the room had really weird light and we kind of needed it.

"And afterward there was like, this weird sexual tension..." 

Thanks. Fucking thanks. I appreciate that a lot.
See previous entry.

I really, really hate girls telling my boyfriend they're in love with him. Bitch, YOU cheated on HIM and walked out.
Fuck. You.

God, I would have to find boys with exes that are still "in love" with them.